Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
