Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
someone threw a dead crab at me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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