my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
