Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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