You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
