I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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