I think scott just propositioned me for sex
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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