I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
