I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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