Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
