Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
