So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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