How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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