I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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