the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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