im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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