I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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