I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
