but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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