oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
