Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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