As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
