he puts the penis in happiness.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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