I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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