What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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