I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want to have your abortion
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
