I think i sorta joined a cult last night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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