I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
