Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
