I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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