Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
