my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
