I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
