Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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