All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
