i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
