The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
