I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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