No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
