my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
