Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
