It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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