I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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