I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I stole a fireplace last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
