I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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