the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
