I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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