The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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