i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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