I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We were destined to go to rehab together
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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