I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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