Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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