just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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