I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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