Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
